Las Vegas, NV – Werewolves were shocked today by leaked internal memos from leading online shoe retailer Zappos.com that reveal widespread anger among customer service staff over what they call “abuse” of the company’s return policy by lycanthrope shoe shoppers.
With industry-leading customer service, Zappos is known for friendly employees accommodating customer requests, but according to the leaked documents, werewolves have crossed the line, and then some.
Zappos Shoes Not “A Damn Kong Toy”
Staffers point to “ridiculously frequent returns” and “profoundly lame excuses” by werewolf clientele as their #1 frustration with their job, with some asking for a new type of sick leave dubbed “full moon freedom” to combat the stressed caused by dealing with unreasonable werewolves.
“Okay, I get it, they transform into large man-eating monsters once a month,” one employee explained in an angry open letter to CEO Tony Hsieh. “But if they forget to take their goddamn shoes off before they change, that’s their problem. Don’t send us the shredded remnants of their shoes and say they just didn’t fit.”
Another customer service staffer complains: “It can be as much as 50% of the overall return requests I process during the day after a full moon. And those friggin’ werewolves never fess up to what really happened. It’s always something like ‘that Bruno Magli uses such shoddy leather, the toes fell off when I put them on,’ or the shoes ‘arrived with large teeth marks.’ Jesus, their shoes, not kong toys.”
“At least they could think of something remotely plausible. It disrespects our intelligence.”
Rumor has it that when the normally affable Hsieh was asked about werewolf returns during a recent interview with NPR, his response was too vitriolic to go on the air.
“It’s National Public Radio, not National Profanity Radio,” reporter Elise Hu purportedly told a colleague.
If The Shoe Fits…Return It
Werewolves we interviewed were mum on the issue.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” one lycan fashionista told us. “I didn’t know Zappos had a return policy.”
Some werewolves were more forthright on the issue.
“Okay, sue me,” said one. “When you’re about to do the big monthly transformation, the last thing I’m thinking about is my footwear, to be perfectly honest. And yes, the next morning it totally sucks to be looking at having to replace my whole wardrobe. I thought they’d cut me some slack. But I was wrong.”
“Et tu, Zappos? Et tu?”