San Francisco, California – Werewolf Star Wars fans were sent on an emotional roller coaster ride this week, traumatized when internet rumors arose about a love scene involving beloved character Chewbacca added to the upcoming sequel Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
The rumor started with this anonymous blog post on Monday:
My sources at LucasFilm tell me that last week all the pressure finally got to Star Wars: The Force Awakens director J.J. Abrams. He just snapped. With the power of computer graphics, and several bottles of Jose Cuervo, Abrams pulled an all-nighter and created an, um, extended cut containing a new scene with Chewbacca ‘being very, very, very affectionate with one or more aliens and/or droids.
Abrams told friends that he was ‘gonna show audience’s how The Force really awakens’ before going on a rant about how no one appreciates lens flare the way he does.
Within minutes, the werewolf Star Wars fan-iverse exploded with outrage.
Chewbacca: ‘Basically One of Us’
As one werewolf super-fan who goes by LycanLuke explains, “Chewbacca’s got hair, sharp teeth, and a very surly demeanor… Of course we werewolves relate to him. He’s basically one of us.”
“We all love Chewbacca…figuratively, of course,” said blogger WereWookie55, who started a petition demanding that Disney’s LucasFilm bring the film back from it’s new hard R rating. “We’re not going to stand for that Abrams jerk defiling Chewie’s good name with a gratuitous sex scene. To make matters worse, some are saying the scene involves that adorable new droid, BB-8. Come on, J.J. That’s just sick.”
Almost as soon as the brouhaha went full brou, the story took another bizarre turn, when werewolves learned that the rumor was actually started by one of their own. According to reports, the post was traced to an unnamed 13-year-old werewolf teenager from Paramus, New Jersey who told authorities he was just testing a new WordPress template with some dummy text.
“Okay, I did think it was kinda funny, but I assumed no one would be dumb enough to believe that J.J. Abrams would add a Chewbacca love scene. Come on, how many people are that gullible?” he lamented to WereWatchers.
Based on the number of emails we have received condemning the teenager as ‘worse than if Emperor Palpatine and Jabba The Hutt had a love child who grew up to be a wise-ass blogger,’ the answer to his question is: 432, 593.