With the Great American Total Solar Eclipse darkening skies all the way from Oregon to South Carolina on Monday, and the long-held superstition that an eclipse will jinx a werewolf’s dating life for years, werewolves are frantically writing in to ask:
How can I enjoy checking out a unique astronomical event, and still avoid a “total eclipse of the heart”?
So we asked werewolf dating and psychology expert, Dr. Jack Kunene, for dating tips.
Dr. Kunene, can I call you Dr. Jack?
No, that makes me sounds like the host of a cancelled 1970’s kid’s show.
If you insist… So tell us, is it true that an eclipse can negatively affect a werewolf’s dating prospects?
Most definitely. Studies have shown that if a werewolf looks at an eclipse directly, there chances of getting a date within the next year plummets over 50%.
Is that because looking at an eclipse causes permanently damaged your eyes, and werewolves classify self-inflicted blindness a “turn-off”?
Oh, no, no. That blindness thing is just an old wife’s tale put out by accredited medical professionals. Just like that ‘vaccines prevent disease’ blah-dee-blah.
Way. The real reason is that while the dumb, curious werewolves are looking up at the sky, the smart, dating-saving werewolves use that time to make their moves.
When the former are done eclipse-gazing, all the other werewolves have hooked up, so they’re out of luck.
Wow, that’s sad.
It’s called “Dating Darwinism.” Werewolf dating isn’t for the faint of heart. Snooze you lose.