Des Moines, Iowa – A werewolf epic fail at an eating contest on Friday was the culmination of a tense week at the 2015 Iowa State Fair. On Tuesday, Senator and Presidential-hopeful Marco Rubio vented his anger over low poll numbers by beaning a small child with a football. Later in the week, actress Ellen Page got in a verbal skirmish with another Presidential hopeful, and grill-master, Senator Ted Cruz.
Fair officials tried to lighten things up by announcing that the Ultimate Bacon Brisket Bomb had won the fair’s coveted New Food Award, beating out Corn In a Cup and Toasted Coconut Caramel Cluster for the top spot.
“It’s basically a deep-fried version James Beard Award, wrapped in bacon and a skosh of lard,” explained one official.
As part of the celebration, the fair held an impromptu “Ultimate Bacon Brisket Bomb Battle” eating contest on Friday afternoon, with contestants vying to see who could eat the most brisket bombs in 5 minutes.
But things went bad 3 minutes in, when Fred Falkenhagen, a werewolf from Des Moines, began burping midway through this third brisket bomb, followed by what doctors called “severe fat-consumption-related hiccups.” Officials stopped the completion when Falkenhagen began projectile vomiting brisket onto the crowd and had to be rushed to a nearby hospital for treatment.
Friends and family of Falkenhagen had various reactions to the incident.
“Werewolves take pride in how much we can eat, that’s no secret,” one lycan friend told WereWatchers, “and I think he wanted to show off. But what happened… that’s kind of the opposite of showing off.”
“As werewolves, we take pride in our gluttony and general bad behavior,” said a local werewolf who knows Falkenhagen. “And frankly, Freddy, screwed it up for all of us. Now no one is going to take werewolves serious at eating contests.”
“He’s usually a goddamn pescatarian, for chrissake,” said Falkenhagen’s wife, clearly frustrated by her husband. “We walked around the fair for a while and he got more and more about the ‘fried this’ and ‘bacon-wrapped’ that. Next thing I know he’s walking up on the state for the eating contest.”
Doctors at the hospital say Falkenhagen is being treated with a regime of salads and kale smoothies, and should make a recovery, and asked the public to stop sending bacon-wrapped flowers.
“We get the joke already. Move on.”