I’ve been dating this girl for a year. She’s smart and fun to be around. A couple of months back when she told me she was a lycanthrope, I was tripped out at first, but after I while, I started to find it sexy in its own way.
Not sure why, maybe it’s because she spent a summer in Paris, but boy, she just cannot get enough of French kissing, especially when she becomes my “Little Lycanita,” as she likes to say. And frankly, it grosses me out.
In addition to the wall of slobber from when she pauses to lick the side of my face 50 times, I keep getting weird flashbacks to the German Shepherd I had as a kid, Günther. Don’t get me wrong. I really loved Günther, but having his lycan doppelgänger stick his tongue down my throat was never on my bucket list.
Whenever I try to bring up this speed bump on our highway to Love, she says nothing and just glowers at me with those glowing red lycan eyes, which is pretty intimidating. So I’ve been putting up with Slobberpalooza once a month.
So tell me, how can I talk to her about just saying no to Frenching without becoming a late night snack?
Thanks a bunch!
WEREWATCHERS DATING RESPONSE:
We have two bits of news for you.
First, the good news: You are not alone!
We’ve received this question before. A lot of non-lycans complain about their lycan significant other’s propensity toward tongue wrestling. For some reason, when the full moon comes out, werewolves just love to run to first base over and over.
Second, the bad news: You are an insensitive heel.
Kissing a loved one shouldn’t be about your own, self-centered hang-ups. You need to face it, Günther is dead, and is never, ever coming back. Move on. Stop letting that canine interfere with your relationship with this lovely lycan lady.
Think about your “Little Lycanita” for once. She is a living, loving individual who happens to like a little tongue sushi.
And about the facial licking: how do you know that you don’t have something on your face that she is politely removing without trying to hurt your feelings? Think about that?
For a professional perspective, we spoke with Dr. Jack Tournier, of the American Institute of Lycanthrope Psychology, on ways you can recalibrate your perspective toward the needs of your special lady.
“Oh, yes, this is always like number 2 or 3 among topics discussed in couples therapy here at the institute. The non-lycan gets all hung up about a little werewolf tongue action, when, if they really thought about it, they would feel lucky. Not only do they get the benefits of pheromone release that comes naturally with kissing, they also get a cleaner face overall.”
“Surely,” he continued, “There is the copious amounts of werewolf saliva on your cheek. But that just gives character to the whole experience.”
Tournier and his team have been developing tools to help the werewolf loved ones to accept and embrace their lycan lover’s osculatory habits. He gave WereWatchers an exclusive first look at the Institute’s innovative new “Lycanthrope Kissing Recalibration,” (see below), which is currently in clinical trials.
So though we don’t condone your cold-hearted, self-centered attitude, Señor Over-Frenched, we feel confident that one day you can learn to love “Little Lycanita” the way she deserves, if you try… or at least provide her an adequate supplemental evening meal.
All the best,
– WereWatchers Dating