A very hairy, very sexy werewolf swept me off my feet last month, but then before I knew it dropped me like a hot potato.
How do I win him back?
Do I have to give up my silver earrings?
– Want My Hairy Boy Back
This is an all-too-familiar question received by our Dating Advice Editor. Further evidence that werewolf dating is not for the faint of heart.
Recently we received the mother-of-all-dumped-by-a-lycan letters from one Jane C. of Weehawken, New Jersey. This hair-loving Jersey Girl told us all about being abandoned by a werewolf casanova, along with her, um, unique motives for dating a lycan.
Back Hair: The Gateway Folicle
Ms. C. sent her question in the form of a single-spaced, 12-page letter, with copious amounts of detail on her love of hairier men and how things went awry for her in the world of Lycan Love.
Curious, we contacted Ms. C. for more information. This is what she told us:
“I first understood that I had a thing for men of a hairier persuasion when I was working on a kibbutz after design school. There was this really hot guy named Lev from Tel Aviv. One day we were picking fruit out in the field and I saw him working with his shirt off. All that back hair…glistening in the desert sun like an enchanting, sweat-drenched male Labradoodle,” she explained.
“It really was an epiphany. Under-haired men looked like mutants to me after that. It goes without saying, I never looked back.”
“Though Lev and I never actually spoke, I feel like we had a truly special bond. It saddened me when I had to leave the kibbutz,” she continued.
When Hirsute Is Not Enough
“I had submitted a couple of designs that I had created while dropping acid on Mt. Sinai to a contest in Sweden. And I won! Next thing I knew I was designing carpet swatches in Stockholm and dating a guy named Arvid, who was voted “Hairiest Man in Scandinavia” for the 3 years straight.”
Was Arvid the hairy man she had been looking for? We asked.
“Sadly, no. I grew tired of Arvid whining about my supposedly endless petting. I kept finding myself getting lost in that sea of blonde hair covering his Nordic calves and biceps. He just didn’t understand my needs.”
And that is when the were-heartbreaker entered her life.
“I Thought I Knew What ‘Hairy’ Really Meant”
She met the lycan in question back in October, after leaving Arvid and returning to the States for a job at a rug company.
“Ultra deep shag is the future,” C. explained.
“I met Dwayne at a sports bar in Weehawken. It was late. At the bar, he seemed hairy, enough that I would talk to him. I complemented him. That’s when he asked me to go outside, saying ‘I’ll show you hair.’”
We asked C. if she was scared at that point.
“Hells, no, I always carry an 8” Wüsthof in my purse. For neutering purposes.”
This did not deter Dwayne either, who was more open than most lycan about his other side.
“At first, I thought it was a little weird that he started taking off his clothes in a public park under a full moon. But I forgot about all that when he suddenly C.ed into a large, fur-covered man-wolf,” she remembered. “Forget Lev. Forget Arvid. It was then that I knew what ‘hairy’ really meant.
“Unlike that gutless Swedish lint-ball Arvid, Dwayne didn’t mind me running my hands up and down his fur. He understood and respected my needs. And I got the impression that reaction from most people. We sat there all night long with him barking and howling and such.”
Ms. C. paused, collecting herself.
And Then It Was Over
“Just before sunrise, Dwayne had to go. I gave him my number, and asked him to repeat it. It was hard to understand because he said it in woofs. Maybe he got a digit wrong or something.”
We asked her what happened next.
“It’s been five months. I tried searching the web. Leaving message in bathroom stalls. Newspaper personals. The SPCA. Everything. But not a word from Dwayne.”
Ms. C. says that she has not been able to find someone else, given the high bar for hirsute-ness that Dwayne set.
Werewolf Boy Meets Human Girl: Can It Ever Work Out?
The advice editors here at WereWatchers are as romantic as anyone, but we are also pragmatist. And in this case, we feel a little tough love is in order. Our advice:
It takes two to tango. So if Dwayne does not respond to her multi-pronged approach, then maybe it is the fates telling her that it is not meant to be.
There are other hairy men out there, including some of the lycan persuasion. It is important for Ms. C. to move on and find one of them, and not dwell on the single night of hairy bliss. There are plenty of other man-manes out there to run your hand through.
Note: Our medical advice editor recommends that readers use Purell or other antibacterial soaps after all lycan petting activities.