Godzilla vs. Werewolf Self-Esteem: The Winner Is…

Though movie fans were thrilled to find that the new Godzilla was not only not awful, but actually good, one film-going constituency has been decidedly less thrilled since the movies monster opening.

“It has been a one-way trip to Suckville since that damn Godzilla movie opened,” a werewolf in Columbus, Ohio told us. “Last full moon, whenever I was going after prey, they would start talking smack, ‘Hey, shorty, wish you were as big and scary as Godzilla, don’t you?’ It really took me out of the moment.”

The sentiment has been echoed on forums throughout the werewolf community, which has seen a marked increase in size-related ridicule since the movie opened. And in turn werewolf psychiatrists have seen a marked effect on werewolf self-esteem, with some even coining the term “Post Godzilla Traumatic Disorder.”


Gareth Edwards – Werewolf Hater?

WereWatchers spoke to Dr. Jack Tournier of the American Institute of Lycanthrope Psychology Institute in North Haven, Connecticut.

“As a werewolf of almost 30 years, I do love a good monster movie. But I refuse to see this one on principle, given how much pain it has caused my patients. Every day I get two or three new werewolves coming in telling me how small and insignificant they feel relative to that big, destructive lizard.”

Some, Tournier among them, have pointed fingers at the movie’s director, Gareth Edwards.

“If I were to psychoanalyze the director, I would surmise that he has some deep-seated hatred of werewolves, probably from some childhood incident. That scene where Godzilla has the grudge match with the flying monsters in San Francisco and wipes out almost the whole city was, in fact, a metaphor for his desired destruction of werewolf self-esteem. It’s painfully obvious.”

When asked how the doctor would know so much about that scene if he hadn’t seen the movie, Tournier replied curtly, “That’s exactly the kind of paranoid thinking that leads to lycanophobia.”

The film’s director has been silent regarding this swirl of criticism. Many have noted that, after two movies about giant monsters – the well-received indie Monsters and now Godzilla, he plans to change gears to do a Star Wars movie, which would likely allow the storm to die down.

“I wonder if he’s going to make Chewbacca 800 feet tall just to be a jerk,” one blogger pondered.


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Curve-Hating Japanese Media Calls American Godzilla Unfit For Duty

Godzilla…Just Big Boned?

Japanese media coverage of Godzilla has focused as much on the monster’s waistline as the movie’s cinematic merits, which has miffed the one group of werewolves that has been much less vituperative about the movie – werewolves with weight problems.

“My gamer friends in Japan are always bragging about how skinny they are and how fat us Americans are,” lamented a blogger who identified himself only as REALLYBigBadWolf_32. “They’re just looking for another target, and poor, portly Godzilla got caught in their crosshairs.”

A representative of an obese werewolf support group known as WereWeightWatchers (no relation to WereWatchers) issued a statement:

We view Gareth Edwards and Legendary Pictures as heroes for taking a stand for plus-sized werewolves. The movie sends a strong message to the world at large that it’s okay to be monster and have a few extra pounds, or a few extra tons in this case.


Mixed Reviews

Some have argued that werewolves may be over-personalizing the film, even going so far as to say that the filmmakers were not even thinking about werewolves when making the movie, a theory roundly dismissed by the lycan community.

“Whoever says that is just plain crazy,” Dr. Tournier told us.

We may never know the filmmakers’ true motives, but we do know the hurt it is causing. Pain which will probably heal about the sequel comes out.

The cruel irony…