London, England – Amidst the tumult following the Brexit vote, pro-“Leave” werewolves in England woke up on Friday to realize what a boneheaded decision they may have made.
“I woke up this morning, all excited about the vote, and some bloke tried to bring me down by asking if I even knew what the EU was,” said Chris, a werewolf from Birmingham, “After punching him for being uppity, I told my girlfriend to look it up on her iPhone. That’s when I learned the horrible, history-changing truth about Brexit…”
“You guessed it…Soon, all English werewolves will have hair as bad as Boris Johnson’s.”
“We’re talking a total werewolf haircare apocalypse,” explained economist Lester Weremer to WereWatchers. “Like werewolves everywhere, were-Brits are extremely hair-centric, spending most of their income on high-end hair products, almost all of which come from EU countries.
But not anymore.
Some estimate that the price of shampoo and other essentials will skyrocket once the U.K. and Brussels part ways, leaving them to fend for themselves.
“Like wolves,” one werewolf told WereWatchers, without irony.
When asked about the quality of U.K. hair products, he replied, choking back tears:
“Uh, you might as well just cough phlegm into your hair.”