World Cup Uproar Highlights FIFA’s Overly Restrictive “No Biting” Policy

Natal, Brazil – In the World Cup clash between Uruguay and Italy today, Uruguay’s Luis Suárez was involved in another biting controversy when he allegedly tried to sink his teeth into Italian player Giorgio Chiellini.

The 27-year-old striker from Liverpool, who has been involved in two previous alleged biting incidents, lunged at Italy’s Chiellini in the penalty area just moments before Diego Godin’s Uruguay winner. Many in the media decried this as a clear attempt to bite his opponent. Chiellini thought so too, as he immediately pulled his shirt down to show the referee a mark on his shoulder.

The official then took the decisive step of deciding to take no action. And while Chiellini was infuriated, werewolves around the world breathed a sigh of relief. At least for now.

 

The Real FIFA Scandal

In a world where lycans feel their actions increasingly stigmatized and misunderstood, werewolf soccer plans have taken issue with FIFA’s ever-stricter policies about players biting other players. They point to the soccer organization’s recent “Let’s Take a Bite Out of Taking a Bite Out of Players” ad campaign, which bloggers described the campaign as “offensive,” “misguided,” and “badly in need of a copy editor.”

Now, after public outcry following the game, FIFA appears to be at it again, agreeing to investigate the Uruguay-Italy incident. Poster child Suárez could face a ban of up to two years.

And lycans are taking it personally, accusing FIFA of trying to divert attention from other scandals with its  “high-and-mighty stance on biting.”

“Why the Hell is everyone at FIFA so hung up on a little mid-game mastication?” vented a lycan soccer fan from Vancouver. “When a guy needs to gnosh, he needs to gnosh.”

“If you review the video, it was clearly more of a light nibble or perhaps teething than a real, full-on bite. That Italian is a complete whiner.”

After the announcement that FIFA would review the incident, Óscar Tabárez, the Uruguay manager, joined sides with werewolves, by lashing out against “certain media” for targeting his star biter player.

“This is a football World Cup, it’s not about morality, cheap morality.”

And werewolves around the world took heart in Uruguay’s president Jose Mujica equally high-minded stance, saying that Suárez should be judged on his football ability and should not be held up as a behavioral role model.

“We didn’t choose him to be a philosopher, or a mechanic, or to have good manners,” he said. “He’s a great player.”

One blogger echoed, “Just like Brother Mujica said, lycans don’t want to be judged for occasionally eating a neighbor or two or terrorizing their community. The question that matters is, are you a great werewolf?”

 

Taking a Bite Out of FIFA

WereWatchers - World Cup - FIFA Anti Biting - Suarez Teething
Suárez: Just Teething?

To prove FIFA’s bias, many point to the fact that immediately after the alleged bite, Suárez fell to the ground, holding his own teeth.

“I so feel his pain,” one lycan blogger lamented. “I mean, literally. Last full moon I tried to eat this guy coming out of an armored truck. How was I supposed to know he was wearing a kevlar vest? Holy shit my teeth are going to be sensitive for a year.”

“It’s clear Suárez was in as much pain as Mr. Rock Shoulder Italian guy. He was the real perp here, in my opinion. Where is FIFA’s policy against players having hard shoulders?” asked an irked sports blogger from Japan.

FIFA officials remained notably silent about accusations regarding their soft-touch approach to hard shoulders.

 

 

Werewolves Cheer For Dracula?

In one of the more ironic twists in the story, the sensible Mexican referee Marco Rodríguez who took no action during the game is nicknamed Dracula.

“Gotta admit it’s a little weird rallying around the world’s most famous vampire,” the Egyptian blogger told WereWatchers. “Nothing annoys werewolves more than people associating them with fictional pale dudes with sharp teeth. But still, it’s good to know at least one person at FIFA is not so hot-headed about a little teeth action.”

“Hopefully Dracula will be able to save us from even harsher anti-biting policies.”