Werewolves Denied Obamacare Coverage?

Washington D.C. – With each new fix that the Obama administration makes to the Affordable Care Act, five more issues seem to spring up. The latest uproar following the botched rollout of the Heathcare.gov website involves an entire minority group who aren’t covered under any of the thousands of plans offered. That group? Werewolves. And unlike with the other snafus created by the new system, President Obama does not appear to be in any hurry to right this wrong.

Despite assurances for years that all pre-existing conditions would be covered by the new law, the administration is insisting that lycanthropy is not strictly categorized as a medical condition and, thus, is not subject to the law.

This leaves all lycanthropes, whose numbers are impossible to know but could number as high as the hundreds of thousands, standing in the cold with no immediate hope of curing their condition or dealing with their symptoms.

“We’re the last group that it’s okay to discriminate against!” cried user DireWulf666 on a popular internet forum for self-identified werewolves (we were unable to convince a werewolf to speak for this piece, even anonymously). “RITES FOR WEREWOLVES!” posted another user, whose handle would not be appropriate to print here.

The Obama administration has refused to make an official comment on the matter, instead saying they ‘refuse to dignify discussion of werewolves and mummies with an answer’, though it should be noted both that mummies were never brought up and so it was odd to make that point, and also that that response did technically qualify as an answer.

A source in the administration, though, has anonymously informed us that the oversight was due to an intensely legalistic and, ultimately, pragmatic reading of the law by President Obama himself: “The President felt that, one, since just about nothing can kill werewolves, other than silver, there was barely anything they needed to be insured from; and two, that any insurance needed would probably be for the damage to people and property than came during transformations, which was not medical insurance and was also not at all cost-effective considering just how much damage occurs on average.”

Regardless of Obama’s justifications, this is likely just the beginning of another drawn-out battle for the President over his signature piece of legislation. If he wants our opinion, werewolves are a special interest to be reckoned with.