Miami Beach, Florida – Filipino cocktail guru Glennardo de la Rosa had an unhappy ending to his much-hyped visit to the United States this past weekend, all due to an alleged run-in with a thirsty lycan.
Mr. De la Rosa, often referred to as the “Mixology Maestro of Manila,” is known in foodie circles as the harshest drink critic in Asia, if not the world. His impossibly high standards and caustic reviews have brought Asia’s best bartenders to tears.
Mixologists from Jakarta to Ulan Bator covet a spot on his annual top 10 list of best cocktails is Asia, which Mr. De la Rosa sarcastically dubbed his “Least Offensive Cocktails of Asia” list.
Coming to America
After a bruising Twitter war last October between Mr. De la Rosa and a certain celebrity chef in America last October, the feisty Filipino vowed to do an American version of the list. It was on the last day of his research trip here that the incident in question occurred.
“I will teach that no-good Tony B. what it means to be a true culinary critic!” Mr. De la Rosa was quoted as saying.
Despite having a degree in English literature, Mr. De la Rosa insisted on speaking to us through an interpreter when we reached him at his home in Manila.
“The trip to the U.S. had been exhausting for Mssr. De la Rosa’s. With each new city came fresh disappointment. He struggled to assemble a list of ten cocktails worthy of his list. He attributed the deficiencies of American cocktails to low quality fruit and impurities in the water,” the interpreter explained.
“By the time he reached Miami, he had only nine cocktails for his list. He had pinned all his hopes on the famed Greenrunner Mojito at Villa MoMo’s in South Beach.”
Like a Dog
As is standard for his tasting, Mr. De la Rosa had asked that the bar be cleared of all other patrons.
His interpreter explained, “The bond between the taster and his beverage is sacred. There must be no distractions.”
Police reports indicate that after serving Mr. De la Rosa the mojito at approximately 7 p.m., even the bartender vacated the premises, to give the critic his privacy.
“Based on his initial observations and taking in the drinks bouquet, Mssr. De la Rosa was convinced he was about to drink a masterpiece of mixology. So he rushed to the restroom to the restroom to carry out his ritual palette cleansing.”
And that’s when the Were-Floridian struck.
In a low voice, the interpreter continued, “To Mssr. De la Rosa’s surprise and horror, he came back to find a large, hirsute individual with notably wolf-like features and shredded Bermuda shorts standing by his table, lapping up the remains of Mssr. De la Rosa’s beverage.”
“Like a dog!” Mr. De la Rosa interjected in English.
He told police that the alleged werewolf proceeded to belch the words “tasty mojito” before fleeing out the back door to the beach.
(If proven accurate, this would be the first documented case of werewolf vocalization through belching.)
Traumatized by the encounter, Mr. De la Rosa refused Villa MoMo’s attempts to prepare a second mojito.
“For Mssr. De la Rosa, the moment was lost. A second mojito would just be a roguish imposter,” the interpreter explained to us.
After his attempt to get the Miami Animal Control to pursue the alleged drink-snatcher failed, Mr. De la Rosa went to Miami International Airport to return home to Manila immediately.
Police remain skeptical of Mr. De la Rosa’s account, speculating that it could be a stray dog, or even another misguided stunt by Miami Beach misbehaver Justin Bieber.
As a statement of silent protest, Mr. De la Rosa posted a blog announcing his America list, without a single entry. At the bottom of the blank list, he explains that he was unable to complete the list because in America, true culinary critics are given a lower status than even dogs.