Virginia Beach, Virginia – News spread like wildfire through the City of Virginia Beach this weekend over a werewolf garden invasion. The tragic incident on Thursday night involved an altercation between a lycan and a cherished plant in a local fragrance garden.
Police report that during the full moon last Thursday, an individual “of likely lycan persuasion” allegedly trespassed through the Rita K. McClure Fragrance Garden just south of the city’s resort area at around 10 p.m. local time.
The werewolf was apparently attempting to find a shortcut to the nearby Ocean Breeze water park. Before the werewolf could exit the garden, however, he apparently came into contact with the garden’s prized Swamp Azalea.
The Great Virginia Swamp Azalea, the only carnivorous species within the Rhododendron genus, was noted early on by English settlers for its powerful fragrance as well its propensity for biting anyone who came too close to it.
And that is exactly what happened. Investigators believe that when the garden intruder stepped on the Swamp Azalea’s branch, it triggered the shrub’s instinctive defense mechanism, which includes snapping jaws and sharp needle-like projectiles from the the plant’s flowers. This in turn led to an altercation which quickly escalated.
‘Not A One-Way Fight’
Police note that it was not a one-way fight.
“The Swamp Azalea got in a few good nips before things went bad, based on the significant amount of fur in the plant’s digestive system.”
But in the end, the werewolf apparently sucker punched the azalea, resulting in the plant going into shock. The autopsy indicated the azalea expired sometime around 11:30 p.m.
“All for a late-night water slide ride. So senseless,” the police spokesman told WereWatchers. “We strongly, strongly encourage the monster to turn himself in, given the amount of heat on this.”
Councilwoman McClure, for whom the park is named, and who is known for her untiring municipal beautification efforts, minced no words: “I am fit to be tied about the whole thing. That area is zoned for a dog park, not a werewolf park. So he was not only trespassing, he was breaking zoning ordinances.”
And needless to say, local lycans are distancing themselves from the culprit.
“That bozo is on his own,” a werewolf stationed at the nearby Oceana Naval Air Station told us. “The late night were-parties at Ocean Breeze were a well-guarded lycan-only secret. Like Fight Club with water slides… But because of that genius, everyone in V.B. thinks we’re a bunch of water-loving, Swamp Azalea-killing Labrador Retrievers. When they find him, I have a good mind to call in an air strike to blow up his ass.”
A spokesperson at Oceana Naval Air Station would neither confirm nor deny the possibility of military intervention in the matter, but added, “Frankly, I think that lycan has a death wish. If it just had to mess with a Swamp Azalea, why on earth would it mess with Rita’s Swamp Azalea?”
When asked about the likely identity of the trespassing lycan, the McClure had some suspicions, “It’s clear to me that that this azalea murderer was not from around here. A Virginia werewolf would respect local flora.”
Keep checking WereWatchers for new developments.
EDITOR NOTE: A memorial service will be held for the swamp azalea at nearby Nimmo United Methodist Church on September 24.
Please, no flowers. Think about it.