Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Earlier this week we told you how werewolves everywhere were gravely concerned about FIFA’s heavy-handed reaction to the supposed biting incident at the 2014 World Cup involving Uruguyan striker Luis Suárez power nibble on an Italian player’s shoulder.
Though the referee in the game decided not to penalize Suárez, the organization agreed to investigate using available imagery and videos, causing werewolves to worry that FIFA would ratchet up its extremist anti-biting crusade.
And it did just that on Thursday, handing down a four-month, 9 international game suspension against the beleaguered player.
“Luis is a victim, pure and simple,” said Jean-Marc Pallermo of FILFA (Fédération Internationale de Lycan Football Association. “FIFA and all its media minions are on a witch-hunt against Luis because they are jealous. Of both his soccer skill and his amazing incisors, which he is not afraid to show off.”
Adobe Says Actual Photoshopped Photos Would Be “Much More Badass”
FIFA was apparently not swayed by the Uruguayan FA’s argument that photos of the Suarez’s bite had been subject to digital manipulation using Photoshop, which many in the Twitterverse speculated about too.
One place where there was little room for speculation was San Jose, home of Adobe Systems, which makes the Photoshop software. The company released a strongly worded statement, dispelling the notion that their image editing software was involved in creating such an uninspired bite mark.
“We need to put a correction filter on the layer of b.s. created by the Uruguyan FA yesterday,” the statement read. “If someone were to use Photoshop on that photo, the results would be much more bad-ass.”
The company released a sample image to show how Photoshop could have been used in this situation.
“Frankly, we Adobers are offended by the suggestion that our product would deliver such mediocre results, and demand an apology from the Uruguay FA. Though we ask that they please not send Luis Suárez, given the chance that his version of apologizing involves the act of chewing.”
As for the cheesy adjusted images that appeared on the cover of The Mirror after the incident, a Adobe spokesperson responded:
“Well I guess we know one newspaper that uses iPhoto for photo editing.”
(Creative) Cloud with a Silver Lining
Suárez has become something of a hero to werewolves around the globe, not only for his masterful mastication techniques, but his almost superhuman gift for avoiding personal responsibility.
“I’m a graphic designer in my everyday life, so I was kind of gobsmacked by the Uruguay FA trying to blame Photoshop,” a lycan coming out of the Belgium-Korea World Cup game in São Paulo told a WereWatchers reporter. “But the more I thought about their lame excuse, the more I saw the true beauty in it. From now on, people can take all the photos they want of me and other werewolves doing whatever we do during a full moon, and we can just blame Photoshop afterwards.”
He added, “It’s like the techie version of going to confessional.”
Our inbox was flooded with similar sentiment from werewolves everywhere.
Barry, a werewolf from Alta Dena, California, told WereWatchers:
“During a full moon a couple of months ago, I was feeling a little vulnerable, and I found myself at a late-night poetry reading. Of course, all the women there were posting pictures of me on Pinterest and Facebook, saying ‘Hey ladies, listening to poetry with a sissy werewolf, blah blah blah.’ All my lycan friends were giving me shit about those photos.”
“Now The Photoshop Excuse gives me a shot at regaining my street cred.”