I’ve been happily married to my husband for 12 years. He is a mailman, loves fantasy baseball, and yes, he also happens to be a werewolf. I have no problem with it except for a certain w.p.h. (werewolf personal hygiene) issue: wet fur.
We live in Seattle, and no matter how much locals try to tell you it’s like the Sahara desert, it rains like hell here. And it always always always seems to be on the night of the full moon.
So after a night of his prowling around town, I not only have to contend with that yucky half-digested-Amazon-employee breath, but even worse, his horrible wet were-fur smell stinks up our whole house. Phew!
Whenever I suggest he wear a flexible-fit parka on full moons to keep himself dry, he gives me angry face, and his angry face is pretty bone-chilling. Realistically, though, he is a werewolf; so I guess it’s supposed to be.
And I know that inside he is just another lycan who wants to be loved. Any suggestions on how I can deal with the wet fur that won’t hurt his feelings?
Thanks a bunch!
You don’t know how often we get this question!
We’ve talked about matted-hair being one of the top problems for style-conscious lycans, but wet were-fur could being worse.
There’s no need to cause friction in your relationship when there are a few short steps to making your hubby the driest lycan this side of the Mississippi:
Step 1 – Do Your Wet Fur Recon
Understand the causes for his wet-fur smell. When he transforms into a man-eating monster, his skin naturally exudes yeasts and bacteria that produce unpleasant smelling molecules called “lyco-organic acids,” which become more odorous when wet. Moisture from your husband’s were-fur dog’s fur dissolves the acids, and a strong, nasty odor is released as the water evaporates.
Step 2 – Towel First
Unless he is grumpy after traipsing around in the rain, try drying him off with a large plush towel. Don’t be stingy. No Walmart or Kmart. Only Target and up. In terms of process, start by working from head to paw, use the towel to soak up as much moisture as possible.
Step 3 – Daisies vs. Fur-Stink No-Brainer
Pamper your favorite lycan with a blow-dryer. Trust us, they love it. They’ll be nipping at the air and yelping with glee in no time. And realistically, using a towel alone won’t completely remove all the bacteria and eliminate the nasty wet fur odor, and the powerful heat of the blow dryer can make the difference between days of were-fur stink and your house smelling like daisies.
Step 4 – The Papaya-Bourbon Solution
Mist your were-spouse’s fur coat with a homemade mister – our favorite brew is 1 part papaya juice and 1 part Buffalo Trace Bourbon. (Make sure the mix is exactly half and half, as there have been cases where a 70-30 mix has caused a minor explosion.) It may be dangerous, but wow, it really gets the smell out of the fur.
WereWatchers Bonus Tip: No matter how tempting, avoid mentioning parkas or raincoats. Lycans tend to be very sensitive to Little Red Riding Hood jokes.
Hopefully this will keep your werewolf loved one dry and were-fur-stink-free!
– WereWatchers Haircare Experts