Washington D.C. – Summer is here, and everyone in North America seems drawn to the alluring siren song of the outdoor grills. And as we all know from the endless stream of invites to “full moon bbqs” that start hitting our inboxes in mid-June, werewolves are no exception.
But according to FEMA, lycans’ love of flipping hamburgers in the backyard apparently does not stop them from misbehaving.
Today, following the spike in grill-related fires involving werewolves during last Saturday’s full moon, the Fire Administration division of the agency issued new statistics on werewolf-related grill fires, and a plea urging lycanthropes to observe greater caution when busting out the Weber One Touch.
“Do the math. Werewolves are covered in thick, highly flammable fur. You get that fur too close to the flame while grilling, and bad things will happen,” the spokeswoman told reporters. “Which is especially likely when there is…questionable behavior involved.”
When a reporter asked her to specify what behavior she was referring to, the spokesperson recommended that he review the data.
“It’s all there,” she explained. “Judge for yourself.”
FEMA In Dog House With Lycans
FEMA is treading lightly with their more data-centric approach after last year’s much-derided public service campaign geared toward werewolves misbehaving while outdoor grilling: “Don’t Become a Hot Dog While Making Hot Dogs”
“We thought werewolves would get a kick out of it. The campaign was not as successful as we had hoped,” the spokesperson at the time told reporters after his office was inundated with packages of charred hot dogs.
Werewolf BBQ enthusiasts throughout the U.S. and Canada tried to downplay the statistics, with one barbecue enthusiasts calling the numbers “an anti-American, anti-werewolf attempt to be a total buzzkill.”
Another lycan wrote, “we simply grill with more style than the Average Joe, and those Nervous Nellies at FEMA clearly don’t appreciate that.”
Will this year’s approach have more of the effect? We’ll look at the data next year to find out.