Paris, France – Researchers in Paris released findings on what has become a silent epidemic in the Franco-Lycan community: were-hair obsession.
“The stereotype that we hoped was false is in fact very, very true,” the study begins. “We found that French male werewolves spend excessive amounts of time on hair grooming, with over 20% reporting that they “Missed Eating Altogether During a Full Moon” because of taking too long in front of the mirror.”
The numbers speak for themselves:
“For a few years now, we have been hearing reports of French male werewolves becoming emaciated or even dying from starvation, but we thought it was because our high culinary standards as a nation. But we now realize that there is more to it than that,” explained Dr. Simone Leblon of the Lycanthrope Hair & Fashion Institute in Paris, who led the study.
“In many ways, hair and fashion are as vital to the French spirit as food itself, so it stands to reason that a Frenchman, in whatever form, would care deeply about looking good before going out,” she explained.
“And in the internet age, where werewolves from around the world share selfies like they were a bunch of giggly 13-year-olds with braces, French werewolves have become all too aware of how, well, not concerned about grooming some foreign werewolves are. It’s about pride really.”
When WereWatchers asked Leblon which country’s werewolves were the worst groomed, she remained diplomatic: “I do not want to disparage werewolves from other countries. Especially those from England or Germany. It may simply be that they do not have access to the hair products that French werewolves do.”
“Or they may like that spiky electrocuted-Prince-Harry look. Far be it from me to say.”
As to why female werewolves are less prone to over-groom, Leblon was more direct in her response, “Of course, French women already know they look good. To them, what’s the point in over-grooming?”
Is Were-Hair Scare Fair?
When we asked werewolves on the streets of Paris whether over-grooming was a real issue, responses were mixed.
“Sure, I know some Franco-lycans who never seem to make it out of the house on full moon nights. They just don’t feel their hair is tip-top. But the good news is that without those monthly gorge-fests, they really trim down into very svelte werewolves. It’s like a 2-for-1 special: great hair and a slim figure,” a lycan shopper coming out of a Gucci store told us.
But the study had plenty of supporters too:
“Where’s everyone’s pride? We’re French werewolves, not Vidal Sassoon’s lapdogs. We’re supposed to be going out and devouring people. Not sitting at home grooming our damn hair,” one lycan truck driver told us.
Another lycan complained to WereWatchers, “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to gather a pack of werwolves to go out hunting and it ends up taking all night to get everyone to put down their stupid hairspray and come outside.”
“Inevitably, we start right before sunrise then end up getting arrested for indecent exposure because we can’t make it home in time before turning back to human form again. I just love explaining that to my wife.”
Relationships Down the Drain
Until this study, French police had dismissed reports by hair product stores who had claimed a notable increase in break-ins and thefts during full moons. But they now vow to take things more seriously.
And yet another hidden victim of French werewolves’ hair obsession: relationships.
Werewolf spouses shared with researchers their deep-seated frustrations related to their lycan loved ones’ obsessive grooming habits, from being kept awake by all-night hair-drying to massive bills for electricity and industrial quantities of hair conditioner.
“I started dating a werewolf for research purposes,” explained Julie La Buffet, author of`last year’s popular French crime thriller Dark Fromage. “Realistically, how better to learn about the animal side of man than to hang out with a man who, well, literally has an an animal side? But frankly, it’s not worth it. I am sick of waking up after a full moon to find every single hair product I own empty. It gets expensive.”
“And what really gets me is that when you say something about it, they try to give you that guilty puppy dog look. I mean, come on, you’re a goddamn werewolf. Puppy dog look just looks weird.”
Letting Go of The Hair Dryer
The study’s authors are now working on a therapeutic program for hair-obsessed lycans, to help them dial down their fixation.
“It’s all about baby steps,” Dr. Leblon told WereWatchers. “It could take months of therapy for these werewolves to let go of the need to perfect their hair before going out to hunt.”
“We’ll get there, one follicle at a time.”