Atlanta, Georgia – With summer in full-swing, the Lycan Beverage Institute of America released a study today focused on werewolves’ favorite seasonal beverage – sweet tea. The data, compiled between 2000-2013, shows soaring sweet tea consumption by werewolves in Southern states, with a minimal increase for non-Southern werewolves, who already consumed a fraction of the annual amount consumed by their brethren to the South.
(For the uninitiated, sweet tea is made by mixing industrial quantities of sugar with tiny amounts of iced black tea such as Liptons to produce what has been called “a caffeinated, liquified version of a thermonuclear warhead.”)
Researchers found that consumption increased almost 50% for Southern lycans between 2000 and 2013, though they did not find any conclusive cause for the upswing. Werewolves, however, appear to have a much higher degree of certainty.
“Don’t need a damn study to tell me that Dixie Lycans likin’ our sweet tea,” a werewolf in Louisiana joked with WereWatchers. “While Yankee werewolves waste their time drinking Red Bull to give them a little extra energy before going out for a full moon, we figured out long ago that sweet tea is where it’s at. It’s refreshing, sweet, and boy oh boy, it’s gotta kick worse than a Peruvian llama.”
One elderly werewolf from Shreveport told us, “Especially for us werewolves in our silver years, sweet tea works like magic. Makes all the difference between whether you’ll be able to knock off a few items from your full moon bucket list or come limping back home after being beaten up by a Lhasa Apso. The energy boost is that amazing.”
Researchers say that the temporary energy boost is not that amazing given the approximately 12,000 calories per serving. Calling the increase “a sugar-loaded epidemic,” they point to a wide range of negative side effects for werewolves.
“We’ve seen a marked increase in incidents where werewolves were hit by cars while rushing home to urinate. Sweet tea kind of makes you a pee machine.”
Also, there are well-documented behavioral effects, turning even the calmest lycans in to jittery messes whose howl becomes a high-pitch screech.
“My kids say my howl reminds them of that Doberman with the squeaky voice in Up,” one lycan from South Carolina wrote in. “But I don’t give a happy hang as long as I get to enjoy the nectar of the gods that is sweet tea.”
Unfazed by such hyperbole, the institute shared audio recordings from their research, showing the stark contrast between the howls of werewolves who have gone without their Sweet Tea fix, and those who have:
Howl Comparison – You Decide
Control Sample (No Sweet Tea Consumed)
Test Sample (Sweet Tea Consumed)
(Audio samples provided by Lycan Beverage Institute of America)
Businesses Cash In
But such side effects do not seem to be stopping Southern werewolves, with new brands of sweet tea cropping every day and familiar brands cashing in.
We recently stopped by one of lycans’ favorite sources for the sugary nectar – Chick-Fil-A – where every other car in the drive thru had a werewolf waiting to stop up on half-gallons of sweet tea.
“We just started marking our calendar so that every full moon, we make extra sweet tea. Lots and lots and lots of extra sweet tea,” a manager told WereWatchers. “Having some crybaby werewolf balling in our drive thru window about ‘feeling really low energy to go out’ was kind of bad for business.”
“And a little pathetic.”
We asked a lycan from the local gay community if he had ambivalence about frequenting the chain given the 2012 controversy related to the chain and same-sex marriage.
“I definitely did. At first. But I got past that about 150 gallons ago. When it comes to the sugar-rushing goodness that is sweet tea, all moral qualms go out the window.”