Manaus, Brazil – Throughout Brazil, police have been on especially high alert for security concerns during the opening days of the 2014 World Cup.
Following months of protests about government infrastructure mismanagement, and in an apparent homage to 1980’s hair metal, Brazilian police created the Major Events Police Battalion, a special unit designed to deal with protests, and wear futuristic RoboCop-like uniforms.
And with the exception of today’s genius behavior by Chilean fans raiding the media center at Maracaña stadium in Rio – leaving it in almost as bad condition as members of the media themselves – the new strategy has largely worked.
With one exception: lycan soccer hoodlums
The Lobisomen Problem
“Let’s face it, lobisomen, as we call them here in Brazil, are the worst kind of miscreant. They not only like doing spectacularly stupid stuff in public, but they crave attention while doing it,” a police spokesperson vented to WereWatchers. “Just look at the incident on Friday the 13th.”
Many Spanish commentators have pointed the finger in the direction of werewolves for Friday’s 5-1 loss to Netherlands. As we reported last week, Spanish and Dutch werewolves cried foul about their big rematch being schedule on the same day as the full moon. And sure enough, Spanish players complained of “obnoxious howls with a notably Dutch accent” from the stands, which them claim was the main cause of their defeat.
(Dutch werewolves in attendance on Friday dismiss the reports as “nothing more than aggressive yawning” due to the long flight from Amsterdam to Salvador.)
Even if the Spaniards’ accusations are merely a case of uvas agrias, Brazil’s police have taken them seriously. Insiders acknowledge that over the weekend they hurriedly set-up a a new covert unit to take on the werewolf mischief threat: Major Events Police Battalion – LoboCop Division.
After a reporter pointed out that the one full moon occurring during the 2014 World Cup has already passed, the police spokesperson responded sarcastically, “Really? Haven’t you looked at our stadiums lately? Nothing here follows a schedule. Every damn night could be a full moon for all we know.”
Security Has a New Name
The spokesperson refused to talk about recruits for this dangerous mission, but yesterday Brazil-based werewolf tabloid O Lobo outed a now-familiar face on their front page: Stella Silva, the baby who single-handedly took on a werewolf in the São Paulo Botanical Garden a few months ago.
Since the incident, Stella has laid low, making occasional appearances at press conferences and fellow one-year-olds’ birthday parties, but she has come out of retirement to do her patriotic duty for the World Cup.
Of course, she cannot be at all 12 stadiums at once, so apparently more babies are being recruited. Brazilian police have caught on to a poorly-kept secret within the werewolf community: silver bullets are bad news to lycanthropes, but cute babies are really bad. Like kryptonite for werewolves.
One Paulista werewolf explained O Lobo, “I’m not ashamed to say it, werewolves love babies. They’re so damn adorable, we just get distracted and forget all the full moon stuff. Frankly, I’m a little pissed with that Argentinian werewolf who outed us with the incident in the garden.”
He speculated, “Police everywhere will probably start creating small armies of cute-but-cruel babies. It will be like some horrible deleted battle scene from Game of Thrones.”
FIFA officials have remained mum on the issue of anti-werewolf security measures, but have acknowledged that the number of return tickets to the FIFA.com site by werewolves is second only to English ticket-holders who changed their travel plans after England’s departure during the first round.
Will LoboCop Strategy work? Stay tuned to WereWatchers.