Lexington, Kentucky – In a press conference early this afternoon, Kentucky A.G. Jack Conway made clear to reporters that his office is aware of the reports of the recent rise in werewolf crime but is not overly concerned.
“I understand that people are worried,” said Conway, “and trust me, our office is listening to every single call and email we’re receiving. Assuming werewolves actually exist, and that’s a big assumption, there’s nothing to indicate that werewolves are any more likely to commit crimes than anyone else.“
This announcement brought a sigh of relief from Kentuckians, particularly those in the state’s northern and eastern regions, where much of the crime rumors about werewolf mischief were circulating.
Even Chick-fil-A Isn’t Sacred
Conway’s announcement comes as a response to heightened media coverage regarding a series of posts from a Lexington blogger in recent months. These posts claimed that a series of unsolved robberies and livestock attacks in the area had been perpetrated by werewolves.
“People hear the term ‘crime wave’ and they get all worked up,” continued Conway. “But we’re not talking about bank robberies and kidnappings. These crimes are small numbers of missing livestock and minor vandalism. Not to be glib, but I’d consider a lot of it more ‘mischief’ than ‘crime’.”
The anonymous blogger, known only as Wildcatz_Not_Wolvez, insists that the local population of werewolves could potentially be in the dozens, causing untold trouble for locals. He’s also argued that writing this off as ‘mischief’ is letting a select group get away with crime, potentially setting a troubling precedent.
He cited a particularly bizarre incident in 2010 in which a local cattle farmer found the carcasses of four cows underneath a highway billboard for Chick-fil-A.
“You know, one of those with the talking cows, with the cows telling you how damn glad they are you’re eating chicken,” explained WildCatz_Not_Wolvez over encrypted email. “In addition to not eating the whole cows, the Lycan perpetrator apparently scrawled ironic graffiti on the billboard for good measure. That’s an unnecessary jerk move, in my book.”
When asked about Wildcatz, Conway dismissed the incident, referring to it as “cow tipping gone horribly awry,” and refused to acknowledge the blogger’s role in bringing about the press conference.
According to Conway, “People are free to believe whatever they want, but it’s another matter when someone tries to stir up mass hysteria. I don’t really believe in these werewolves.
“But if I did, I would guess they are just harmless mischief-makers.