July 4 Advice: Dear Werewolves, Stop Being Fireworks Sissies

Dear WereWatchers,

My husband is super patriotic, and used to be fanatical about going to see the fireworks every July 4, clotheslining little kids to get a better view, etc.

But now that he ‘s a werewolf, everything has changed. The first crackle of fireworks and he becomes a big goddamn sissy. Runs under the bed and won’t come out until morning. Not exactly the best role model for our kids, or for our Cocker Spaniel for that matter. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Flummoxed Fiona

 


Dear Fiona,

This time of year, our mailbox overflows with this question. Lycans are ferocious, fearless creatures in almost every way, but when it comes to fireworks, they are basically complete pussies.

With their heightened sense of hearing, the loud noise and commotion just sends them into a tizzy. And it’s a problem for all parties involved. The werewolf’s self-esteem is damaged for days. You’re embarrassed because of their hysterical behavior. Your dog feels upstaged. Everyone loses.

So how can you prevent fireworks phobia from ruining your July 4th? We asked Dr. Jack Kunene of the Lycan Behavioral Science Institute for professional advice, and here’s what he had to say:

WereWatchers: Dr. Kunene, what are some tips to help lycan loved ones to get through the hornet’s nest of fireworks that is Independence Day?

Well, there’s always the option of traveling to Canada, where they act like July 4 is just another day. Unpatriotic Canuck bastards. But if that’s not an option, there are some standard suggestions for how to cope:

  1. Increase your lycan loved one’s feelings of security by hanging a model of a full moon on the ceiling, and explain that all the noise outside is “just Mr. Moon saying hello.”
  2. Provide a hiding place where your lycan loved one can feel safe, like a nuclear bunker.
  3. Ignore fearful behavior, such a panting, nervous giggles, shrieking like a school girl, speaking in tongues, etc. Because if they pick up on your anxiety, it amplifies theirs, and your new Jennifer’s Convertibles sofa will be shredded like coleslaw.
  4. Provide distractions, like loud, anti-social video games, which will make them feel like everything is normal and hte way it should be. (As one of our patients who is also a gamer put it, “Frankly, Grand Theft Auto is like being a werewolf, but fewer rules.”)
  5. Werewolves are nervous eaters. Have LOTS of chew toys around for your werewolf honey to gnaw on during the fireworks. Otherwise, it’ll be your forearm.

If all else fails, there is the nuclear option: German yodeling. Wait, why are you laughing?

 

WereWatchers: Have you been drinking, Dr. Kunene?

Obviously not. I’m a doctor, damn it.

 

WereWatchers: Even a little?

Okay, I had a couple of Low Country Mojitos to get me in the patriotic spirit.

 

WereWatchersLet’s get back to yodeling.

Right, yodeling. We found in our research that the auditory frequency of yodeling somehow counteracts the racket made by fireworks. So if you bust out some big speakers and blare away with the yodeling, your lycan loved one will be much calmer.

Here, I have a recording from our test last July 4:

 Research Recording: German Yodeling Fireworks Therapy

 

WereWatchers: But…won’t your neighbors wonder why you’re playing traditional German music on Independence day?

Can’t have everything.