Hollywood, California – Werewolves’ ongoing irritation about idolatry of True Blood actor Joe Manganiello just got worse, as People Magazine proclaimed Magnaniello “Hottest Bachelor of 2014.”
“It just gets worse and worse with ‘Joe Six-Pack’,” one lycan reader wrote to WereWatchers, referring to the actor’s well-regarded abdomen. “As soon as he joined the True Blood cast as everyone’s favorite fake werewolf, the dating scene for real werewolves got suckier and suckier. We just can’t compete with his looks and physique.”
Among the many similar laments we received, one reader told us that he tried to use Photoshop to create less attractive versions of Mr. Manganiello, but, he explained, “No matter how distorted you go, he just gets better looking. It was friggin’ unnatural.”
“Listen, he’s a talented actor and seems like a nice enough guy, but I somehow doubt he’s eating the amount of, er, red meat that real werewolves like me have to eat every month. How can girls expect me to keep a six-pack stomach with my special diet? It’s just not fair.”
Hunky Actor “Setting the Bar Too High”
On the other side of the lycan-human aisle of love, things are just as unhappy.
We spoke anonymously with members of a “lycan lover” support group in New Jersey, the state which has the nation’s highest percentage of lycan-human love affairs.
“To be honest, I became interested in dating a werewolf after falling in love with the character of Alcide Herveaux on True Blood,” one member who identified herself as Janet confided to WereWatchers. “It’s television, so I assumed that they had done their research and were giving an accurate portrayal of an average werewolf. Boy, was I totally wrong.”
“I started going to bars in Hoboken that lycans are known to frequent, and, I gotta say, it looks like God hit them with the ugly stick over and over and over and over.”
“And over,” she added.
The general consensus at the support group is that relative to Manganiello, most real werewolves don’t stack up.
“I drink like a fish. But no matter how heavy the beer goggles, my boyfriend ain’t gonna look a thing like Joe, unless Joe suddenly cross-pollinated with Jabba the Hut and Jar Jar Binks.”
Joe Manganiello: America’s #1 Were-Cock-Blocker
“This is True Blood‘s last season, so we thought things would finally get back to normal. But I just read in The Wall Street Journal that he’s pushing for a spin-off. I’m guess he wants it to be like Entourage, with him as the hot star werewolf with ugly werewolves around him, to pick up the scraps, literally and figuratively,” one unhappy lycan told us.
HBO has neither confirmed nor denied that a True Blood–Entourage-werewolf mashup is in the works, which makes werewolves nervous. As our WereWatchers Dating Advice Editor explained:
“The last few years have been dating Hell for werewolves because of Joe Manganiello. They used to be able to pick up girls in bars by just casually mentioning, ‘Oh, yeah, I happen to be a werewolf, in addition to taking care of puppies and doing heart-felt volunteer work,’ but because of Mr. Hottest Bachelor, real lycans are stuck alone and loveless on Saturday night.”