The North Pole – It’s that time of year again for werewolf loved ones. We’re not talking about the arms race to see who can come up with the most-witty-yet-cheap Secret Santa Gift at the office. No, we’re talking about coping with misguided gifts from werewolves.
Come Christmas time, our inbox gets filled with emails from friends and family of werewolves complaining about well-intended yet totally inappropriate Christmas gifts.
Despite werewolves’ boundless enthusiasm for the holiday season, they have earned a bad reputation of not thinking gifts through before giving them.
Jeffrey York, a proctologist from Virginia Beach writes:
Holy cow, my friend Glenn used to give great gifts to my 6-year-old boy, but since he became a werewolf, his gift-giving judgment has gone off the deep end.
Take two years ago, when I asked him to get little Bradley one of those nerf guns, and he shows up on Christmas Eve with a functioning flamethrower.
Good for a militia member living in Idaho? Sure. Good for a small child living in suburbia? Um, no. Very, very no.
It’s not exactly fun spending Christmas explaining to a small child that Santa does love him, but doesn’t want him to have a toy that can incinerate the neighborhood.
Another reader, Liz Warden, of Orange County, California, tells us:
I’m an attorney, and my husband used to give me sensible gifts like shoes or sexy business outfits. Since he went lycan, his gifts have done a total 180 into dumbass land.
Last year he got me a fountain pen that, when I click it, screams ‘No! You’re out of order!’
Of course he let me discover this feature in the middle of a trial. Boy, that case went well.
Help me, WereWatchers. I’m a litigator, not a divorce lawyer, goddamnit!
Honestly, there are no easy answers for the misguided gift problem. As anyone with a werewolf in their life knows, once a werewolf gets an idea in his or her head, there’s little you can do to dissuade them.
We spoke with Dr. Jack Kunene, werewolf psychologist:
“First off, whatever you do, avoid honesty. It is not the best policy here. More than one werewolf family has been torn asunder because someone acknowledged that a gift was in fact the stupidest thing they have ever received.”
Below are a few thing Kunene suggested trying when you received a misguided gift from your fave werewolf:
- Send them the link to a fancy gift site like GiftTree or your Amazon wish list, starting in early January, on the slim hope they’ll use it.
- Pretend you are a superhero named “Captain Euphemism,” then start spewing out flattering, and completely untrue, praise about the gift until the werewolf starts whimpering. The werewolf may feel so pleased with themselves that you get off easy next year.
- Exclaim excitedly that you wonder how they knew you didn’t have one of whatever it is already
No Bueno (Don’ts):
- Reacting with phrases like “well, it’s the thought that counts.” Werewolves can sniff between the lines.
- Claim to have converted to an obscure Eastern religion that doesn’t allow giftgiving. It’s been used too many times.
- Don’t claim you already have one. They may misinterpret that as a subtle hint that you actually want to make it a set. No one needs a set of ten bed-bug stuffed animals. Trust me, I know.