“Guardians of the Galaxy” Anxiety Among Werewolves Due To Raccoon Phobia

Hollywood, California – Like the rest of the world, lycan superhero movie fans are chomping at the bit to see Marvel’s  Guardians of the Galaxy and its lineup of new on-screen superheroes. Minus one superhero, that is.

Images of the gun-toting, tough-as-nails CG raccoon named Rocket Raccoon. voiced by Bradley Cooper of The Hangover fame, have touched a nerve among anxious lycanthropes. This reaction comes as no surprised to those well-versed in lycanthrope neuroses.

“It’s good ol’ agrizoophobia,” explained Dr. Jack Kunene, of the Lycan Behavioral Science Institute of America. “The term means, ‘fear of wild animals.’ In this case, specifically, raccoons.”

“Non-lycans always think that silver is what werewolves are most afraid of.” he continued. Then, after a long, dramatic pause added, “They’re wrong. Dead wrong.”


Not Phobia, Just “Healthy Fear”?

Our lycan readers had a slightly different take.

Phobia implies that the fear is somehow irrational,” one lycan from Maine told WereWatchers. “There’s nothing irrational about a werewolf having a healthy fear of raccoons. They’re are constantly messing with everyone, especially us werewolves. I read on a blog somewhere that the Cherokee used to refer to them as ‘Assholes of the Forest’ in their language.”Kevin Rose - Hurling Raccoon

Another agrizoophobic werewolf explained, “I mean, every werewolf I know has a story about raccoons biting them. Your prowling through the forest during a full moon, minding your own damn lycan business. You jump up through tree branches like your doing parkour, feeling like a badass.”

“Then all of a sudden, this little beady eyed rodent from Hell hops out of nowhere onto your head and starts gnawing on your ear or nose. You swat them away and they keep coming back for another helping of werewolf ear.”

To give a sense of the scope of this fear, the #1 viewed YouTube video among werewolves in 2013 was that of tech entrepreneur Kevin Rose anti-raccoon revenge porn video, in which he fights back against a raccoon that attacked his dog.

Lycan blogs were abuzz for weeks afterward, with many suggesting they make Rose a “Honorary Lycan for Life.”

But now, many werewolf superhero enthusiasts are ambivalent about going to the new Marvel movie.

“Listen, I love Iron Man and Captain America and all the rest. And I heard Guardians of the Galaxy is great. But with you-know-who in the movie, for me it’ll be like watching Avengers with scenes from The Exorcist spliced in.”


Fixing P.A.R.T.S: Post-Asshole-Raccoon Traumatic Syndrome

“The statistics are indeed shocking,” said Dr. Kunene. “50-60% of werewolves develop Post-Raccoon Traumatic Syndrome.”

“If you are a lycan who lives anywhere near a wooded area, it’s a matter of if, now when, you will be assaulted by a procyonid with a poor attitude.”

And it is important to note that werewolves are not alone in this phobia. Many outlets have reported on actress Katie Holmes’ fear of the furry woodland creatures.

“And with the new trauma stirred up by Guardians of the Galaxy, we at the institute decided it was time to develop a therapeutic method of dealing with the pain, and also help our lycan friends enjoy a Marvel superhero movie in peace.”

Lycan Behavioral Institute of America – Raccoon Phobia Exposure Training

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