Washington D.C. – After several nervous werewolves reported fidget spinners causing spontaneous combustion of their fur, the U.S. Government has issued a fire warning aimed at putting out the flammable situation:
“We urge all werewolves, especially those who have not been keeping up with their weekly fur trims, to avoid use of all fidget spinner toys. The combination of spinning metal and static electricity of werewolf fur is an explosive combination. We’re talking total werewolf BBQ.”
Having surged to internet fame in 2017, the fidget spinner is a type of toy, advertised as helping people who have trouble with focusing or fidgeting by helping them release nervous energy or psychological stress. Psychologists are divided about the fidget spinner’s actual effectiveness.
Werewolves, however, are not. Notoriously nervous creatures, they were some of the first to gravitate to the fidget spinner craze.
‘Worth The Fiery Pain’
“My friends used to call me neurotic, but now that I’m using the fidget spinner they call me Mister Chill,” boasted an advertisment aimed at werewolves on local Fox TV stations, adding:
‘And do you really believe the government anyway? Remember when they tried to brainwash us into thinking that drinking 2 gallons of soda per meal is actually bad for you. I say, spin away, America!”
Since the warning was issued, fidget spinners have been flying off the shelf, according to Amazon and other online sellers, pointing to werewolf-themed blogs stoking fear that there could be an outright ban on fidget spinners. The White House yesterday flatly denied it was a ban.
Ban or not, it is clear that werewolves cannot get enough of the fidget spinners. Jeremy, a werewolf from Boise, told WereWatchers:
“My fidget spinner goes with me everywhere. It’s like a part of me… a part of me that spins around in hypnotic circles. So what if I get a few first degree burns. Like a wise man once said: No pain, no gain.”