Iowa City, Iowa – Conservative werewolves, dissatisfied with the current crop Republican presidential hopefuls, announced today that they will launch a new political party, aptly named the RepubLycan Party.
“We fiscally-conservative, hair-aware werewolves continue to be disappointed with what we’re hearing from these White House wannabe’s,” the group’s press release reads. “Sure, all the gibber-jab about repealing ObamaCare is good and nice, but it is not enough. Who is talking about what really matters to your average lycanthrope.”
“That’s right, #1 on our agenda is deregulation of the haircare industry.”
It’s The Hair, Stupid
“You think having a head of out-of-control hair is bad, try having a whole body covered with it,” a RepubLycan spokesman told WereWatchers.
“The last seven years have been Haircare Hell for werewolves, with the Obama Administration’s draconian ban on ‘untested, highly flammable, and radioactive chemicals’ in shampoo and other products.”
“It’s our hair, we should be able to put whatever chemical we want in it. Even if it could be used to fuel a jet.”
When asked what other issues the RepubLycans would run on, the spokesman replied anxiously, “Er, my therapist told me that having a lot of issues is bad. No more issues! No more issues!”
The spokesman had no further comment.