Washington, D.C. – An exhaustive survey of over 5,000 werewolves in the United States, Canada, and Europe has confirmed what our readers already knew:
Lycanthropes are hardcore believers in Santa Claus.
When the Pew Research Center for Lycanthropic Studies asked werewolves the question “Do you still believe in Santa Claus?,” over 80% responded “Definitely,” “Most of the Time,” or “Sometimes, when I’m feeling vulnerable.” Researchers also report that a number of respondents wrote to them after the survey, demanding to know why the questionnaire used the word “still” in the question, which implied that there would be a reason not to believe.
As one werewolf waiting in line to see Santa at Lynnhaven Mall in Virginia Beach told a WereWatchers reporter, “It totally blows my mind someone would suggest Santa is not real. That’s like saying the Fang Fairy or the Easter Wolf-Puppy isn’t real.”
Move Over, Rudolph
“Everyone assumes that werewolves are cold, cynical monsters, just because of their, er, dietary habits. But deep in their hearts, most werewolves are a bunch of doe-eyed softies,” a lycan holiday blogger from Atlanta told WereWatchers.
“And like with anything werewolves are into, they dive into Santa and Christmas 1000%. I’ve seen werewolves who sometimes decorate the decorations on their Christmas trees. They’re fanatical.”
Another lycan characteristic that comes out during the holiday season is competitiveness, apparently.
During the last full moon, on December 6, police report a spike in Christmas decoration vandalism, mainly due to lycanthropes trying to undermine other lycanthropes’ Christmas lawn decorations. One police chief, who asked to remain anonymous, told WereWatchers:
“Those werewolves play mean with the decorations. And I’m not talking just busting a few lights. Sometimes they will spray graffiti on the garage door apologizing to the neighbors for their failure to live up to Santa’s standards.”
An Unrequited Love?
Mall Santas around the world complain about overly enthusiastic werewolves adding a “high level of awkwardness” to their work.
As one put it, “I used to think kids peeing on my lap 20 times a day was bad, but having a 200 pound werewolf sitting on my lap, licking my face and asking for obscure hair products for Christmas is a whole other level of bad.”
A shopping mall outside of Kansas City reports that when one werewolf accidentally licked a Santa’s fake beard off his face, the idealistic lycanthrope went berserk, accusing him of kidnapping the real Santa, then making a cryptic threat that the exposed Santa would get ‘the ultimate coal in the stocking’ during the next full moon.'”
Mall owners complain that children and their parents are unnerved by having to wait in line to see Santa with large, man-eating monsters in elf costumes, but the corresponding increase in sales of costumes and hair supplies to werewolves at the malls has led most owners to have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Howl” policy.
“As long as no one gets eaten, and as long as those vain lycan shoppers keep clearing out the L’Oreal shelves, they can sit on our Santa’s lap all day long,” a mall manager in Tampa, Florida told WereWatchers.