New York, New York – Carnegie Hall drew a line in the sand with lycanthropes today when it announced that it has officially banned werewolves from all musical performances.
“Carnegie Hall has a long history of openness, from séances to Houdini, but werewolves disrupting musical performance is no bueno,” a spokesperson told journalist.
The move comes after several incidents involving overly enthusiastic werewolves howling during concerts, which resulted in a multitude of complaints to management, with many non-lycan attendees demanding their money back.
“My wife and I didn’t pay $170 per ticket to hear a bunch of rowdy lycan music lovers yippng all show,” one angry concert-goer was quoted in a recent New York Daily News exposé titled “Bach Barkers are Back!”
Carnegie Hall had initially instituted a “No Howling” policy back in January, which seemed to do little to dampen the misguided enthusiasm.
Lycans “Likin'” Classical
Many speculate that Carnegie Hall’s choice to drag its feet on taking more serious action was due to economics. Despite what the general public may assume, werewolves are some of the most fervent classical music lovers out there.
“People talk about classical music only being for old people, but I gotta tell you, some nights I look out and see as much were-fur as I do gray hair. It adds a little spice to the stew, if you ask me,” one Carnegie Hall season ticket holder told WereWatchers. ” My main beef with them is when they go and ‘mark their territory’ on seats they like. Oh my god, it smells. Kind of a dick move, if you want my two cents.”
This enthusiasm for classical tunes is not widely known, in large part due to werewolves desire to protect their image.
“It’s like a lycan machismo thing, even for female werewolves,” one werewolf music blogger named Jan told us. “We want to seem all tough and dangerous and ready to eat your leg. But if you bust out the Chopin, we become like little yelping puppies.”
“And that’s why when we get into the concert halls we lose control of themselves. In terms of howling, I mean.”
Don’t Mess With Arvo
If there is any one type of classical music that drives werewolves to distraction, it’s Minimalism, as evidenced by a recent incident at the Minimalist Jukebox performance in Los Angeles back in April, in which conductor John Adams allegedly hurled his baton at a noisy lycan music aficionado in the audience.
“It’s minimalist music, goddamn it!” a livid Adams yelled to reporters as he was led away by police afterwards. “Howling like a banshee doesn’t exactly make the music more minimal.”
(The lycan victim reportedly decided to not press charges after Adams agreed to sign the baton, which took nearly three hours for surgeons at Cedars-Sinai to dislodge from the lycan’s ear canal.)
And it appears that this special enthusiasm for Minimalist Classical music was behind the ban at Carnegie Hall. The breaking point came at a recent performance of works by Estonian composer Arvo Pãrt, when overly anxious werewolves began howling even before the music began, leading to a shouting match with other attendees. (Listen to recording of the incident below.)
WereWatchers Audio Exclusive: Arvo Pãrt Concert – Carnegie Hall – May 31, 2014 (TRT: 00:38)
After being admonished by staff and fellow concert-goers, the werewolves quieted down for a brief period.
“But then all Hell broke loose during the choral works,” one attendee told WereWatchers. “They started howling along with the chorus. Which became basically the worst…sing-along…ever.”
“Not to be a lycan hater, but werewolves can’t sing for shit.”
Apparently, the composer, who was in attendance, agreed with this criticism, based on the autograph he gave one lycan who managed to sneak in to the CD signing session after the concert.
“The incident at the Pärt show definitely weighed on our decision,” the spokesman for Carnegie Hall told reporters. “We love our werewolf music fans, but enough is enough. Nobody messes with Arvo.”