Canadian Werewolves Perturbed By Tim Horton’s Acquisition

Ontario, Canada – As news of the Burger King tax invers-acquisition of Canadian chain Tim Horton’s went public on Tuesday, many in Canada’s large werewolf community were even more skeptical than their non-lycan counterparts.

“After a good prowl, there’s nothing like an early morning coffee stop at Timmy Ho’s to finish off the night,” one commenter on Winnipeg Werewolf wrote.

“Timmy’s has been run by good, tolerant Canadians, who don’t go and judge you just because you walk in stark naked and covered in a few leaves and other people’s blood. Now who knows what those damn puritanical Americans will do.”

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Jitters About Tim’s Java

Though lycanthropes to the South are known for their affinity for iced tea, Canadian werewolves swear by Tim Hortons coffee as their key source for caffeinated salvation on late night prowls.

A recent study conducted by McGill University revealed that nearly 65% of Canadian werewolves consumed “1 or more” cups of Tim Hortons coffee during full moons, with 40% consuming “3 or more” cups.

One lycan explained to us, “I live in Manitoba. It’s mighty fresh cold here. It’s the full moon that transforms us, but it’s Timmy’s coffee that keeps us going all through the night.”

When asked what she thought of the Burger King merger, she replied curtly, “If they go and mess with Timmy Ho’s coffee then their next full moon is not going to be as pleasant as it could be. That’s all I’ll say about that.

“Timmy’s java is as good for werewolves as silver bullets are bad,” a lycan food blogger in Toronto told WereWatchers.

“Keep your paws off our coffee. You come between a werewolf and their caffeine, then you’re just asking for it.”