Coba, Mexico – Lycan eyes have been riveted on the Yucatan Peninsula this week. On Tuesday morning, guards at the famed Mayan pyramid complex in Coba woke to hear shrill screams of what they thought to be a sick howler monkey. But they soon traced the noise to the main pyramid, where they discovered that an “obese, agitated man without clothing” had ascended the steep stairs over the course of the previous night. When the guards requested that the man come down, he refused due to a paralyzing fear of heights.
The man was soon identified as Lawrence Brand, 58, of Shreveport, Louisiana. Brand is known to Shreveport locals as the recently retired owner of the “LARGE LARRY’S” chain of used car dealerships, and among Lousiana Lycans as something of a loose cannon.
Around noon on Tuesday, a local policeman ascended to near the top of the pyramid in an attempt to retrieve Brand, but turned back upon getting a clear view of Brand.
“I can’t get the image out of my head. I’ve seen every kind of crime scene there is, but seeing that large naked hairy gentlemen with the bizarre tattoo on his lower back was just too much for me,” the officer was quoted as saying.
Hearing their fellow officer’s account quickly dissuaded other law enforcement officials from attempting a rescue, leaving local officials unsure of how to retrieve Mr. Brand, whose presence has stigmatized the site among would-be tourists.
Tramp Stamp Tattoo: ‘Just The Beginning’
Ironically, Mr. Brand was visiting nearby Tulum to attend a yoga retreat in an effort to overcome acrophobia, a.k.a. the fear of heights.
As to why he would ascend a 138-feet-high pyramid, we contacted a fellow Louisianan werewolf for insight.
“Larry is a complicated individual,” a friend told us by phone. “Good guy. But after he retired, he’s become increasingly neurotic. Lots of phobias. That’s why we were happy when he got into yoga. Of course we assumed he would go for one of the calmer types like Ivengar. But for some inexplicable reason, he went for Bikram, you know, the ‘hot yoga,’ which frankly I think just made things worse.”
We asked about a previous alleged international incident involving Mr. Brand.
“Oh, that whole ‘downward-facing-werewolf’ debacle at the yoga retreat in Thailand was a misunderstanding, in my opinion,” he told us. “And we all thought that spending a week in a dank jail in Koh Samui would be the learning experience he needed. So we didn’t think twice when he said he was going to the retreat at Yoga Buena Spa in Tulum.”
“That all said, I knew something was up when he sent the text with his new tattoo. God, what was he thinking?”
But the tattoo was just the beginning. On Monday evening, against the advice of the Yoga Buena in-house yogi, Mr. Brand allegedly decided to do a 107 degree detox right before the full moon.
A Different Kind Of Pyramid Scheme
He was last seen leaving Yoga Buena at around 7:15 p.m.
We asked the friend why someone with clinical acrophobia would ascend one of the tallest Mayan structures in Mexico.
“Knowing Larry, the hot room got him amped up and he became like a chihuahua on LSD. When he transformed back from were-Larry to regular Larry, he was probably more surprised than anyone to find himself on top of a Mayan pyramid.
“Beats me. Larry is scared shitless of heights. He doesn’t even do elevators. I bet you the hot detox had him in such a tizzy he had no idea he had climbed up a pyramid until he transformed the next morning.”
Needless to say the people of Coba are not happy, and the tone has darkened since Tuesday.
One foreign journalist even asked the local Mayan leader about whether they are considering the “nuclear” option: human sacrifice.
“Trust me, we all want to. But no. First off, we are in the 21st Century. Secondly, the whole idea of those sacrifices was to gain favor with the gods. Do you really think sacrificing that genius up there with the silly tattoo, which just so happens shows a symbol from another religion would really make them happy? Do the math.”
WereWatchers continues to plea with the world for compassion toward this werewolf on the brink. We’re with you, Larry.
Except for the tattoo.