Plymouth, Massachusetts – As Americans gear up to give thanks and consume pounds of turkey this Thanksgiving, those with werewolf guests are wondering how to stop their werewolf guests from eating all the turkey.
As anyone who has had a werewolf holiday dinner guest can tell you, they are great for adding howls of laughter during dinner conversation, but are not so great in terms of sharing turkey with other guests. Like at all.
“My girlfriend is a werewolf, which I don’t mind. I think it’s hot,” one reader told WereWatchers. “But last Thanksgiving she devoured a 23-pounder before we even finished saying grace. She then ate everything else, even that nasty canned cranberry stuff. When I told her to slow down, she told me I was being insensitive to her needs as a werewolf.”
This is not an isolated problem. Surveys of werewolf spouses and loved ones consistently point to Thanksgiving as their least favorite holiday of the year, with “hunger” and “profound familial awkwardness” listed as the primary reasons.
Share And Share A-Lycan
“Werewolves really like turkey. What can I say?” explains Dr. Jack Kunene of the Lycan Behavioral Science Institute of America. “I could make comparisons to crack cocaine addiction but that would be insufficient. They aren’t thinking when they reach out and steal the turkey from your plate. It’s reptile brain taking over.”
“Also, with everyone at the table looking at them, thinking to themselves, ‘Why did Sally bring her goddamn werewolf boyfriend to Thanksgiving?’ lycans become understandably self-conscious at the table. Part of the turkey-hoarding is really just nervous eating.”
We asked Dr. Kunene for advice of what those with hairy dinner guests can do to avoid holiday catastrophe:
THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH A WEREWOLF DO’S & DON’T’S
- Tell your werewolf loved one that you really weren’t that hungry after all.
- Praise the werewolf’s table manners, no matter how bad they really are.
- Consider TurDucKen. That fills the werewolf up faster. It’s like three great meals in one.
- Do memorize showtimes for THOR: RAGNORAK, to make your fake excuse of going to see a movie when you’re really going out for pizza seem more legit.
- Don’t try to grab a piece of turkey. Unless you hate having a forearm.
- Don’t make even oblique references to sharing or Mother Theresa. Just makes them more self-conscious.
- Don’t tell them to pace themselves. That means nothing to a lycanthrope.
“Basically, our advice is to steer clear of direct confrontation about the non-sharing issue. Talk about how good the Macy’s parade floats look or some b.s. like that,” Kunene tells WereWatchers. “The key is to not seem judgmental.”
“And whatever you do, for God’s sake, no tofurkey. Hell, I would kill you if you served that.”